Survey is LIVE! Extended Survey for Atheists, Agnostics, Non-Believers

My major research survey is READY TO GO! Please take it and pass it on. This is your chance to tell your stories and be part of the book!

Thank you. 💜

Here is the direct link: Extended Survey on Atheism

Update: 3/29

It definitely takes more than a “moment” but having Richard share it has given me a huge boost in participation!

Extended Survey for Atheists – Research for my Book: Losing Your Life to Save It

Update 3/28/18: The survey is live!

Writing my post about procrastination gave me a burst of motivation. I finally finished a long survey that I’ve been working on for the past 6+ months and I’m just about ready to let it go live.  This is the survey that I’m using to collect many people’s stories about their experiences – good & bad – about being atheists and coming out in/from religious families and communties.  It has taken me a long time to figure out what I wanted to know and then determine how to ask so that the results are the most useful for me (and so that I don’t have to keep sending out surveys!) Anyhow, I sent it off to Richard tonight for comments and once I incorporate any suggestions, I’ll post it. (And yes, wanting it to be perfect before sending it to him was a factor.)

In the meantime, if you’ve never completed my original survey General Thoughts About Atheists now’s your chance. I’ve opened it up again – believers and non-believers.  Also – if you believe in God but someone close to you has left the same faith, here’s one for you: When Loved Ones Abandon Faith.

This is a big step and I’m excited! Stay tuned…

Want to read more about me & my book? Scott Jacobsen of In-Sight Journal interviewed me last summer and the transcript was just released in Canadian Atheist: In Conversation with Melissa Krawczyk – Atheist, Secular Humanist, and Skeptic. 

Scott has interviewed people far more interesting than me and he also blogs for Atheist Republic: Scott’s blog at Atheist Republic


Found this image at the following blog that I enjoyed: How to Write Your Book by Writing Your Blog

Blasphemy Shmasphemy – Count Dankula and the Hate Crime that Wasn’t

It’s late – 1:30 AM – and I haven’t done a lot of editing on this, but I’m going to post it regardless. As usual, please feel welcome to comment, criticize, poke holes, etc. Just keep it constructive.

I just watched, and shared, the following video by the fictional British reporter Jonathan Pie as he angrily criticizes the recent judge appointed punishment for a Scottish YouTuber known as “Count Dankula.” The guy did a joke in piss-poor taste and taught his girlfriend’s cute little pug dog to do a Nazi salute to a cue of “do you want to gas the Jews?,” took a video, and shared it on the internet & it took off. Take a moment to watch the several minute video response by “Jonathan Pie” below (Lots of swearing, btw.)

Did you watch it? Ok, you’re ready to read the rest. I’ll say right off the top, that I don’t share the sense of humor of Count Dankula and I think his joke really sucked. I can completely understand the anger and frustration people feel when they see “jokes” like this that seem to poke fun at topics that have really hurt people and affected their lives. I would not make a joke like that myself and I would be hard pressed to find it amusing, other than for shock value. But a jail sentence for making a joke? Or for having an unappealing, or even an appalling, sense of humor? I don’t think we should be jailing people for being tasteless or insensitive, especially when it’s clear that we misunderstand the intent of others all the time.

The uproar and upset surrounding Count Dankula (from the pro-punishment folks) is a bit like the uproar when Richard Dawkins said “When I see cattle lorries, I think of the railway wagons to Auschwitz” and people said he was comparing Jews unfavorably to sub-human cows, when he was clearly, in context, suggesting we might eventually find we’ve been committing an awful crime by assuming cows are lesser beings & covering our eyes – much like happened to Jewish people as a whole. CONTEXT!  In both cases, people declined to consider the intent and context and that caused real problems. We must stop thinking this way! Context and intent MUST matter. What are words and actions without context?

Considering the context of the video Count Dankula makes it is hard to imagine that he could seriously be advocating for anti-Jewish or pro-Nazi sentiment. Some people think it isn’t okay to joke in any way about something as serious as Nazis at all, or even mention the Holocaust, out of respect for the tremendous numbers of people who have suffered. I personally agree that it’s insensitive and upsetting to downplay or minimize, the ideas and effects of Nazis and white nationalists, but “okay” as in permissible? Yes, it is. Why? Because unless everyone can decide unanimously what constitutes offense, there is no way to set a fair, enforceable standard. Offense, and humor, are always subjective – and they are often two sides of the same coin. And everything is akin to “blasphemy” to somebody else.

Everything is akin to “blasphemy” to somebody else.

This kind of persecution of people who offend but don’t commit a crime is frightening because it is related to the way people, and governments, use “blasphemy” rules and laws to punish people who step outside the bounds of what is acceptable. I don’t think it’s good or fair for people to say that atheists have no morals, are evil, are spawn of – or tools of – the devil, or that we should be “hunted down” through law enforcement. But aside from aiming to persuade them that they might be wrong & trying to shift the Overton window, I’m not going to prevent them from saying those things unless they are actively trying to make someone hurt or damage me, or other atheists, in some tangible way other than hurting our feelings. (Click to see a recent example, and a measured rebuttal.) I’ll fight an

d advocate for secular laws that treat everyone the same, but I’ll also fight for the right of religious people to continue to hate me – as long as they can’t legally treat me badly and I’m still able to oppose their viewpoints with my own.  (In the case of the government Minister in Malaysia who wanted to use the law to hunt down atheists – that should be fought: to change the law, not force him to change his beliefs.)



On the other hand, religious folks of many stripes actively try to shut down the statements and voices of atheists because we offend their religious sensibilities. In many places, they do more than shut us down – we can be killed! This is not acceptable. Yet, when we allow punishment for words or actions that hurt our feelings or make us uncomfortable we legitimize the idea that “blasphemy” exists. But no idea is inviolable.

When the person being punished is being punished for something that goes against what I personally think is right, then I might find it feels good that they are being punished. I might feel that they deserve it. If I’m in a group of people who think the same way that I think, then it’s easy to point a finger at the outsider and say they are wrong, or even bad. We are in a society now where many of us, indeed hopefully most of us, have seen that the things that Nazis and Hitler stood for and did, caused incredible and lasting damage in our world and that there are still people who are threatening to bring back those same ideas now. That is a real concern. But CONTEXT and INTENT are so important! If we ignore those things, then essentially no one is safe from punishment. Every misunderstanding, every intentional misconstruing, is a source of danger. We lose the ability to be able to challenge ideas currently in vogue, or in power. What happens when the power shifts to a group that we disagree with?

In the United States we have a president that many of us oppose because we strongly dislike his behavior, his actions and many of his attempts at policy-making. We have the right to criticize our president and also the ideas of people who support him, and they have the right to criticize us back. It might make for a more civil online experience – most people are a lot nicer in person – if we weren’t allowed to say anything that offended others, but it certainly wouldn’t advance meaningful conversation because we’d simply stop having the difficult conversations. How is that good? (You tell me, because I don’t think it is. It would also be helpful if we all stopped thinking that our ideas are the same as our identities & stop taking everything personally. Anyhow.)

Is Dankula actually an anti-Semite/pro-Nazi? Or is he just a jerk with a twisted sense of humor? I don’t know him personally so I don’t really know. But what he did shouldn’t be considered a crime even though we should be free to think it was awful – or not.


I didn’t link to any articles about Count Dankula because they are easy to come by and I don’t have the desire to read a bunch of them to vet them for accuracy.

Incidentally, I found the following story in a comment while browsing Twitter this evening, and it is an example of actual historical Nazis finding a very similar joke very offensive – to Nazis! Read Hitler Pursued “Hitler Salute” Finnish Dog (and notice the publication date on the story – it’s not recent.)

In a similar vein as this situation: I just watched part of Ricky Gervais‘ new comedy show Humanity, and I found his bit about Caitlyn Jenner to be in very poor taste and as someone who has several trans friends, I personally didn’t find it funny – cringeworthy and unpleasant. Did it make me want to keep watching his show? No, it really didn’t. But I find I can understand the perspective of someone who does find it funny – or at least understand that people exist that do. I may not like it, but that doesn’t mean I should get to prohibit them from thinking it’s funny, or Gervais from saying it in the first place. But Caitlyn Jenner is a long-time public figure being made fun of by another public figure – a comedian. I want to be clear that I would not quietly tolerate the same type of joke being made at the expense of a friend in my presence, but would speak up and make my own opinion heard and challenge the person if at all possible. In this case, I decided not to watch the rest of the comedy show because my enthusiasm for it had dimmed.

I Don’t Have Time to Stop Procrastinating

If I were to sit down and make a list of all of the things I’m currently procrastinating about doing, it would be quite long, likely depressing, and definitely not fun, so I’m going to put that off… But seriously, why is it so hard to just DO things?

I can’t speak for everyone, but I have a few theories for myself and I suspect that different reasons come into play at different times.

I’m married and have two young kids, I’m still trying to gain fluency in Arabic after more than a decade of on and off study, I have two little side businesses that I’ve largely abandoned since coming out as an almost a year and a half ago, I’ve bitten off an enormously large book project, and I’m trying to manage a household, plus volunteer at school, learn everything I can to make up for the years I wasn’t trying to learn about the world and life as a non-believer, and I’m trying to figure out what I want to be “when I grow up.” Please excuse the run-on sentence, but it seemed to capture how I feel about all of it. Considering that I’m an ALL the irons in the fire sort of person, this leaves me with far more things that I want to do than I am capable of doing at any given time.

As a spouse and a mother, my family needs to take priority – I sort of signed up for that. But the monotony and small details of child-rearing and maintaining a household are frequently at odds with my desire to learn new and interesting things, my voracious appetite for reading, extreme need for socializing and my seemingly insurmountable tendency to not be organized in a physical space (my mind is good, but my desk, and the table, and my closet, etc. are not.)

First off, I am one of those people who performs well under pressure. I need deadlines. That’s why I take classes. I could easily lose myself in interesting books and articles for days and never pop up for air, but it’s like going down a rabbit hole: One thing sparks a thought, which leads me somewhere else, and then I’m popping over to check on something different and soon I’ve simply forgotten that I had seated myself at my computer to work on conjugation of Arabic verbs in Lebanese. But did you know that Ex-Muslim Imtiaz Shams of Faith to Faithless got to speak at the British Islam Conference of 2018 just last month? Or that Count Dankula (who I’d never heard of before two days ago) has just been given jail time for a joke in extremely bad taste? What about that silly fake news article that has started going around again about a bogus Dasani water bottle recall containing “parasites” (they used a photo of baby eels, by the way) – I need to stop the fake news that my friends are spreading on Facebook! And look, my good friend Rachel was just featured in a local news article because a spectacular shot she just took of a rare cloud formation in our town. Ah, and let’s see what Steve the Vagabond and Silly Linguist has been up to. You get it right? SO MANY THINGS I WANT TO KNOW!

Focus is definitely a problem for me when the topic isn’t interesting. Being uninterested is essentially a death knell for anything I’m supposed to do. But even when it is interesting (like Arabic, or my book) I struggle to focus when there are so many tantalizing topics nipping at my feet like my little dogs who are always asking to play. “Please, just spend a minute with me! Just throw the ball a few times… or for an hour.”

Practically speaking, a lot of procrastination on my part comes from a perceived (though not necessarily real) time mismatch. My mind says, “Oh, I only have 30 minutes, I don’t have time to get started on that. That’s going to take forever. I really can’t stop to do that now.” But, really, I could. Plus something else. Or, maybe it’s something that I know is going to take days, or even weeks, and the thought of having to do that same undesirable task is simply too overwhelmingly unpleasant to consider. Yeah – that thing gets placed at the bottom of the priorities list. My husband, even after nearly 20 years together, is still astonished at how I seem to prefer to wait until something is a disaster before tidying it, rather than simply spending a few minutes each day. He can’t see inside my head to understand that I’m always juggling, trying to squeeze in a few more minutes of the things I WANT to do, often at the expense of the things I SHOULD do.

I’m always living at the bleeding front edge of running late. In addition to procrastinating, I’m also what has been called a “time optimist.” I always think I have more time to get things done than I do. I don’t allow enough of a buffer to get ready in the morning, get lunches made, get kids clothed, dressed and out the door without being late, or nearly late, because the youngest has decided that she REALLY needs to have her armadillo Squinkie with her at school, but she can’t find it, and she doesn’t have a pocket in the leggings she was wearing, so she’s now in her underwear again rummaging through the toys in her room, as we are supposed to be driving down the street! If I would just remember to add those 5 extra minutes, AND remember to check on her instead of assuming all is well, then mornings would be a bit less fraught, and perhaps I’d also get breakfast before school starts. But I’m easily distracted. I should probably ban myself from social media before the kids are off to school. Whenever I burn something that I’m cooking, my husband calls it “Facebook toast.” I have probably only managed to cook tortillas once or twice in the past five years without at least one being burnt to a crisp. Considering that tortillas are a staple in our house, that’s a lot of crispy & inedible bread products.

I find that I’m essentially running two minds at once. The mind that is concerned with the wellbeing of my family and the joy and happiness I experience with them when I’m engaged with them. And the mind that is a fledgling activist striving to make as much of a difference in the world as I can. That latter part of me has always been there, but it was buried for a long time, because I was a Christian, and I was “not of this world.” Once I realized that God wasn’t real to me anymore, life suddenly had major stakes that didn’t exist for me before. It isn’t enough for me to sit back and watch – I want to be in the middle of everything. (And being an off-the-chart extrovert makes it easy for me to go out and meet people, form relationships and network so there is no deterrent there to slow me down.) I joke, as many do, about needing a handful of clones to do everything I want. But since that isn’t possible, I live with a daily shifting of priorities, and I do tend to shift the things that are less interesting, or seem less important in the grand scheme of life to the bottom of the list. But sometimes the big important things are there too. Maybe they’re a little bit too scary to think about.

But these past few weeks I’ve started doing a bit of both. Today I am writing this blog because I completed a goal of doing 4 things I’ve been putting off. My bedroom is cleaner, I’m going to actually get back the items I left in a hotel room four weeks ago, we’ll all have clothes to wear tomorrow, and my bathroom counter looks less like a department store display counter and more like it belongs in someone’s residence. Bonus effects are a reduction in stress levels in my much more tidy spouse and the brief thrill I get by thinking that I might possibly be able to keep things in order. (I give it about 2 days max. It’s not because I don’t care – I really do. It’s just that there are things I care about MORE. And I SWEAR I have not been ignoring that pile on the stairs – I truly didn’t notice it!)

My brand of procrastination is a double-edged sword. When I finally do stop and consciously put effort into a task with the intent to complete it, I’m a bulldog. When I have a deadline, I’m killer! I work very well under pressure, and some of my best work happens when I have a deadline about to crash down. Maybe it’s the adrenaline rush. Looming deadlines make me bury projects until I can’t ignore them anymore and then I typically smash them out of the park. (Not always.) I have a mid-term project due for Arabic class next week and I probably won’t start until Saturday. I’m not nervous. I know I can do it without too much difficulty once I sit down, but there are so many things I need/want to complete before spending time on it, that I haven’t really started other than making a plan in my head. But is the stress at the end worth it? I’m not sure. I think that I NEED that last-minute rush to keep me interested and keep me going. But logical, rational me doesn’t want to “need” that – I would like to finish things in bits along the way – but it seems so boring! (And damn that stack of paper that arrives every single day from one school or the other with parent “homework” and tiny tasks that add up to soooo many little tasks!)


I don’t spend a lot of time worrying about being a procrastinator. It’s something I’ve accepted is part of my personality and who I am as a person. But that doesn’t mean I don’t try to shift it and make better choices. I would love to be that organized person. The Container Store is like porn for me. But I’m happy and I’ll be fine with a little more conscious thought put into how I organize my priorities list.

One last thing that affects my productivity and definitely seems to have an effect on how much procrastination is in my life: I do deal with anxiety issues – they are very well-controlled now – but sometimes will sneak in. I find that when I am putting things off for long periods, there is often underlying anxiety of some sort associated with that task.

Anyhow, do you know how long I’ve put off blogging as a way to get myself writing? Yeah, I don’t know either, but I think it’s been a long time – my spouse suggested it some time ago. It took a conversation on Twitter to make my thoughts bubble up until I couldn’t contain the ideas and needed to start writing. Now that I’m doing it, I see how easy it is to pour my thoughts and ideas out on a page, and the looming prospect of actually getting everything together for my book seems far more manageable than it did just a week ago.

Oh, did I mention that I’m also a perfectionist? Sigh.


The image at the top of this post is from a Facebook group called Procrastination (@ProcrastioNation) with 63k likes.

Squinkies are tiny little character toys made out of a soft squishy foam of some sort. They are adorable, especially the armadillo. And they get lost all the time.

Update: My husband just reminded me about this excellent Ted Talk by Tim Urban of Wait But Why. Hilarious & poignant.

My Thoughts on “Charitable” Wishes for Stephen Hawking in Hell

My first blog post for Atheist Republic has just been published. It was inspired by a tweet & conversation with Richard Dawkins. He read my first draft & thought it was interesting enough to post. I hope you agree! 😜

Click on over and check it out! My Thoughts on Charitable Wishes for Stephen Hawking in Hell

What About Whisper Networks?

A new friend of mine, Anthony Magnabosco, tweeted this the other day:

This tweet hit me hard.

I immediately retweeted with a “Yes! This” and a string of my thoughts on the topic – contested by a commenter – which I’m going to flesh out here. I have long been uneasy about whisper networks in general, and have tried to avoid participating in them for years. They have sometimes (often?) seemed to be close kin to something else I’ve tried to avoid: gossip. Every single one of us has been involved in a whisper network, whether it’s been inconsequential chitchat or something very serious. They are everywhere in some form or another. In this post I’m writing about whisper networks that are intended to protect other people as a result of someone being treated in some sort of damaging way.

The context of his tweet is the situation surrounding Lawrence Krauss and the allegations of inappropriate behavior/sexual misconduct that have come out against him. There has been a whisper network about him for decades apparently. As the allegations have roiled both the atheist and skeptics “communities” – both of which I’m now part of – these thoughts have been on my mind for weeks now.

Let me acknowledge up front that I KNOW that sometimes whispers are, or seem to be, the only option for people who have been ill-treated, or worse. I don’t condemn anyone who has felt it necessary to start or be part of one – including myself – because I simply can’t judge the circumstances from the outside. The following are my personal thoughts on whisper networks in general, and it should be obvious that I am speaking idealistically and in broad, sweeping terms. I intend these thoughts & ideas to apply to whisper networks of ALL sorts, not just those surrounding sexual misconduct. They exist in nearly all areas of life to greater or lesser extent.

A brief & admittedly simplistic summary: Whisper networks benefit only a tiny fraction of people – the ones that hear the whispers. EVERYONE ELSE is left out of the theoretical protection of it. And when no one tells the person being whispered about that a problem exists then there is no warning to change course, and therefore no resolution to the problem. I say we, collectively as humans, have to change this. Bringing problems out into the open is why is important. From now on just say No to whispers and say Yes to speaking up!

I’m clearly speaking of eliminating the need for whisper networks a best case scenario. Obviously there are occasions now when it’s the only seemingly feasible option to seek restitution, or justice, or protection, or something like that. But if there is any way to safely avoid it, I say do so. I think we must prevent any whisper networks from forming that are not vitally necessary, in order to be able to make the changes that will make them ALL unnecessary.

I think we all know what whisper networks do, and how we feel they can help. And they do help some people. But what about the things they don’t, or can’t do? They don’t provide a solution because they don’t fix the problem and they don’t protect everybody – just a limited “lucky” network. They don’t put the problem person on notice for their behavior, and often any consequences are unknown to the person and therefore can’t serve as a deterrent or a warning. They are a stopgap measure – a Band-Aid.

They are a stopgap measure – a Band-Aid.

Victims of bad behavior of all sorts have their own prerogative to decide what they’ll do when something happens to them. I don’t think there is any “right” decision for someone ill-treated to make for his or herself. But there are decisions that are better for individuals, and decisions that are better for society. I strongly believe that each person should make a choice that tries to balance what is best for themselves with what is best for society – but that there is no way to know, or dictate, what that choice should be in any given situation. That will always be subjective. I never want to shame or blame a victim for the choices they’ve made, or might have been forced by circumstances to make, or needed to make for personal reasons, but to encourage people to consider the longterm effects of those decisions before making them.

For myself, when I am the victim of something bad (or the observer of something) my goal is to make a choice about speaking up or keeping silent that will minimize the risk of the bad thing happening to anyone else. I might not have been able to avoid it myself, but I sure as Hell don’t want someone else to have to go through the same thing. But I am the only one who can make that decision. For me, unless the consequences to myself – or really, my family – would be extreme, I want to always try to make a choice that will stop the problem. (Hey, I’m still an engineer.) That’s my goal and I think others share it.

So many people can’t safely speak up – so the rest of us who can? I think we really must at least consider it. That’s why I’m writing my book about being an atheist from an evangelical background – because I have the relative safety to tell the stories of people who are not safe, and the possible reach to help them be heard. (I’m talking mainly physical safety, though obviously there are other kinds.)

I feel it is a personal moral imperative, and it’s sometimes resulted in very awkward and uncomfortable positions, being embarrassed, and on at least one occasion, putting myself in potential physical danger.  In two cases I personally observed truly positive change resulting from speaking up (and fortunately no danger to myself materialized) but in others I might never know the results. I’m not saying that I’ve always been successful with my goal, because that wouldn’t be true. And sometimes it just takes soooo much effort to put myself out there on behalf of someone else and it can also be really scary.

Anyhow, after my tweetstorm, I chatted with Anthony. At one point during the conversation he said something I agreed with wholeheartedly: “Whisper networks are odd things. You don’t usually know you are being added to one until you have been, and then what? At what point do you have an obligation to do something? And what can you do? Then when things blow up/go public, it’s a potential liability to admit you were even privy to the whispers. So I am starting to think “members” of these networks need to do something proactive beyond propagating the network or staying silent, which is why I think attempting to contact the “whisperee” might be the best thing to do.” I feel the same way as Anthony was feeling when he wrote that.

When whispers are equivalent to low-level gossip, there might not noticeable real world consequences if they remain secret. But when it comes to dangerous behavior the stakes are higher. Someone “in” the network might know to never invite the person to stay at their house, or be around their kids, or how to avoid a situation that could be a problem. But what about the people who don’t know? How many people are put at risk because they simply don’t have any idea that there is a problem in the first place? How many people being whispered about don’t recognize their behavior is unacceptable? How many people are damaged by whisper networks where the whisperers have accidentally played a round of Telephone?  This kind of situation can really get you thinking about the pitfalls of whisper networks: their potential liabilities, possible disregard for the safety of others, and the conceivable possibility of errors.

When people first hear whispers they are given choice that can be really difficult – pass them on, keep silent, or speak out – or maybe pass them on AND speak out. When I hear about bad behavior, sometimes it is so far removed that my knowing has very little effect on anything and it’s easy to decide just to ignore it. Other times it hits closer to home.  IF it is something I deem serious, there still might be nothing I can effectively – or safely – do, but if there is, I really want to try to find it. The farther along you are in a whisper chain/network, the more your choices vary from those who are at the beginning. Someone who might risk overwhelming consequences for speaking up, or reporting might only be able to whisper, but those of us farther down the line might find that we are in a unique situation to help solve the actual problem.

What if you know the person being whispered about? If you tell them what you’ve been told – protecting details and identities if necessary – then if they’re guilty of bad behavior they’re put “on notice” and given an opportunity to correct their behavior. (This assumes the behavior under discussion isn’t criminal in nature – if it is, off to the police you go.) But, if they are innocent, or there’s been a misunderstanding, they have a chance to clear their name or sort out the misunderstanding.  As Anthony requested in his tweet – please provide people that chance. Whisper networks inadvertently remove both of those options unless someone takes steps to break the chain. That is a real problem.

Whisper networks by themselves can protect some people, but they don’t help everyone and they never stop problems unless we stop whispering and take action. I aim to never start a serious whisper chain myself. (I’m not going to promise not to gossip – who on Earth could keep that promise?) But I have promised myself to do what I can to help solve the problem & stop it right there. And when I encounter whispers from others, that remains my intent.

I know many people will disagree with me, or say that I’m being naive or unrealistic or ignoring the plight of victims. (See my caveat above.) But I think we can make a change if we all say No to whispers and Yes to speaking out on behalf of ourselves and others from now on. 

When I was searching for quotes about whispers, this image came up & I loved the fighting spirit of the woman whose blog it was attached to:


If you want to see my original thread on Twitter:

If you want to see the blog of the strong woman – Kitt O’Malley – where I found the lion image:

Blogging for Atheist Republic

I just submitted a blog post to Atheist Republic – it will be published soon. My thoughts on “charitable” wishes for Stephen Hawking in Hell… Includes a brief email exchange between me & Richard Dawkins, who I am pleased to call friend.

Update! Find it here: My Thoughts on Charitable Wishes for Stephen Hawking in Hell